I’m forgiven… I’m just not very good at it…
Sigh.
Been one of those semesters. I’ve felt off my game all term. Probably part of being in my first year at a new school and not being certain if my job will be safe (it is, but that’s a recent development). Lots of uncertainty in my life, lack of clear direction, doubts about what I want to be doing, etc. General tiredness and a sense that now that I’m out of school, there’s no short-term goal to keep me focused.
So I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’m doing, where I’m headed, whether I’m on the right track, etc. And my sense of my own faithfulness to God is very weak. I want to be faithful, but I feel that I’ve jumped ship somewhere along the way without even realizing it. And I recognize how truly half-hearted I am and how attached to the world I’ve been. And yet delusional about my own ability to witness to the transforming work of God — I have a very inflated sense of self-worth.
Sigh. I even feel too tired to put in the effort to get back on track — I should pray, but I’d rather nap. Or I try to pray and end up napping — like the disciples in the garden.
LORD, forgive me — the spirit is somewhat willing, the body is both weak AND rebellious….
